Parenting Through the Summer Time "Attractions."
Many families have begun to plan their summertime visits to area attractions. Our area is full of amusement parks, miniature golf courses, professional baseball stadiums, zoos, and other destinations. We have an abundance of parks, playgrounds, and hiking trails. We are close to the Susquehanna River, Chesapeake Bay, and the beaches of the
For parents of preteens and teenagers, however, the summer also involves dealing with another type of “attraction”- the physical attraction that occurs between young men and young women! With the current fashions trending towards covering less and showing more, parents have their work cut out for them when it comes to shepherding their children in the concepts of modesty and appearance.
This is not an easy process, even for the most “trendy” parent! The issues of modesty and appearance can be another parental “trap” – an area of likely disagreement between the parent and child that can quickly turn into a daily battle of wills. What can parents do, then, to avoid such a trap? Dennis and Barbara Rainey, of Family Life Ministries, published a few thoughts that we found helpful and would like to share:
Our appearance should model the right blend of biblical values to our children. As parents we can sometimes underestimate how much influence our actions have on our children. A mother’s appearance, for an example, is a statement to both her sons and daughters about her character and her values as a woman. Rainey believes (and we agree) that moms need to be especially careful in how they dress (asking themselves is my clothing style too masculine, too provocative, too trendy, too dowdy, too flashy?), but we would add that men have a responsibility as well. Not only do we need to be mindful of how we dress, but we also need to make model appropriate behavior to our sons in regards to women’s fashion. Do we compliment our wives on their dress in front of our children (reinforcing the concept of biblical beauty that we see in the scriptures)? Do we steal that extra glance at a provocatively dressed lady at the beach? Our children see and process all of those types of actions to develop their own sense of what is appropriate.
Focus on the heart of the child, not just the exterior appearance.
On the other hand, suppose your child’s appearance isn’t what is portrayed as the “perfect” figure in all of the magazines, tv shows, and movies. Are you disappointed? Do you think about putting them on a diet or exercise program? What attitudes may you be conveying to them? Are you showing a lack of acceptance of their outward appearance?
Make no mistake, these are difficult questions to ask of ourselves, and we need not worry over every single comment or act that we make. By conducting this “self-check”, however, we can get a better handle on our own hearts when it comes to our children’s appearance. Once we understand our own hearts, we are ready to impact theirs.
Our daughters should emphasize their femininity while being modest and tasteful. Our sons should emphasize their masculinity while being modest and tasteful. We live in a culture that is rapidly losing distinctive clothing for men and women. Remember to verbally affirm masculine dress and appearance in your sons and feminine dress and appearance in your daughters whenever possible. As parents we can be quick to comment when our children don’t dress as we think they should, but are we as quick to compliment them when they make wise choices?
Often we fathers of sons don’t think that we need to worry about teaching modest and tasteful dress to our boys. How untrue! While boys fashion does tend to be more baggy than tight, our teenage boys are often presented with clothes that tend to sag in inappropriate spots (usually the backside!), or contain suggestive or offensive messages. Boy’s fashions can also tend to be ripped in inappropriate places.
One conversation isn’t enough. The days of having “the talk” with our kids and it being the extent of their training are over. Rather, parents need to be committed to always looking for opportunities to steer our kids in the right direction. This is accomplished through many conversations over many years. How can we do this? Sometimes we may want to be intentional. Dads could take their daughters clothes shopping (yes, dad, you will survive!). Not only will it help you understand the challenges that your daughter faces in dressing modestly (Scott – “My daughter is 4 and this is already an issue!”), it gives you a natural opportunity to talk about why its importantly to dress modestly and why some young women want the attention that dressing provocatively brings. You can also talk about the type of guy a lady might attract while dressing provocatively. Moms could do something similar for their sons.
Other times these opportunities will just present themselves. Take advantage of them. Encourage your teens to observe others, such as when you are at a crowded place like a sporting event or while at the pool or beach. Ask them what they think of how someone is dressed and what kind of impression it gives them. Get them thinking and then keep the discussion going!
The summer is a great time to invest in your family and in particular your teenager. We encourage you to spend as much time together as a family as you can. Whether it’s at the pool, the lake, an amusement park, a ball game, or the beach, use the summer time as an opportunity to guide and steer your teen in dealing with those other “attractions” of summer.
Want to learn more about parenting your teenagers? House on the Rock Family Ministries offers seminars and classes on a variety of teen-related topics, including What’s Happening To My Teenager?, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”, and “Don’t Be a Stupid Cupid”. We would love to come to speak to your church or group! Visit us on the web at www.hotrfm.org or call 717-492-9500 for more information.
About the authors
Dr. Bruce McCracken is the founder and President of House on the Rock Family Ministries. He earned his doctorate from
Scott Phillips has been working with House on the Rock for the past year. He received a Master of Arts in Ministry degree from